Story of my Life

Chapter One of My Life. I walk down the street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It still takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two. I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place! But it isn’t my fault. And it still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three. I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It’s a habit! My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four. I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five. I walk down a different street.

Portia Nelson

Road trips are relational…..

I don’t need anyone to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves.
Shirley MacLaine

It’s been less than a month since our road trip to Ireland and so far I have looked at 4 places to explore next. It seems I am compulsively hooked on planning and going on road trips!

I have to suggest I am not a holiday person, which may seem odd to say, considering I write about my days away. But what I mean is, that its not the thought of a break and rest I look for, it’s the chance to step into a new world/life I really want to do if only for a short time. As I reflect on my life I realised that when my home life wasn’t too good I would opt for a new job or hobby. In other words I would change what I could in my life which made the rest liveable.

However I love my life and my job with lots of blessings and great people around me so don’t want to make the big changes anymore. Having said that I feel drawn to explore more places especially those where I can have relationship with the natural world and new people, with the chance of learning about life.

I think If you want relationship, road trips are your solution. As every aspect is relational, first there are the people or person you travel with. You have got to feel 100% comfortable with them, you are going to share living space 24/7 so you need to be able to listen to each others conversations for long stretches and more importantly silence for long stretches. On most trips by the second day we are repeating conversations, being practical people we have a code word to gently remind the other person that the story they are telling has been told umpteen times, ( a couple of times is acceptable) or is a wandering tale (ie very boring), our word is “duvet”.

By the end of any trip you have shared so much in conversation and experience you should find your relationship with your travel companion is either stronger or OVER! Luckily I have stronger relationships.

The next relationship is with the area you are exploring. From the moment you hit the road you start to build a connection to it, the lakes, the mountains, the coastline basically whatever the place has to offer. Around every corner there is something new and very often beautiful and/or interesting. You don’t have to be anywhere exotic I am learning the places don’t have to be new I just have to look at them with new eyes or see them from a new perspective. After all if its God creation it’s always good. Some places have been outstandingly beautiful and its sometimes hard to drink it all in, photos don’t capture it enough, so we do everything we can to cement it in our brain. We have what we call a “moment” which is standing looking at a sight, putting in our earphones to listen to a brilliant song such as ‘one moment in time or I will always love you’ and stay completely still. This means that we concentrate with no other distractions, then when we hear the song later it brings back the memory of the place. Some of the places such as lakes, seas, cliffs and mountains remind me that God has things in control, what He builds lasts for our lifetimes.

Then there is the relationships with those people you meet along the way. From people who help your trip get sorted (telling you where to visit) to the ones just passing by, each person has their own story and often they share it with you. Some people like my friend Abby in USA, a chance meeting at a lighthouse in Maine, has meant we share our lives over email and Facebook two worlds very different but also very similar. You realise that although someone lives somewhere different, or may talk different, with totally different life styles they are basically all the same on the things that make us human (eg needs – love, loneliness, fears, family, friends, God) and if you are willing to get to know each other we have things to share and teach one another too.

And finally there is the relationship with yourself, because I realised a long time ago, you can run away from places, situations and people but you can never run away from yourself. Nope wherever you are, you turn up, so if you have a problem and that problem is you, its no good running or road tripping to get away. Instead I use the time and space to learn from my road companions and experiences, and challenging myself to think differently where I can. Trying to figure out exactly who Gillian (the 50 something) is now.

Isn’t that what everyone does?…I really would like to know, one male friend said he knew exactly who he was at 50, I think he meant he knew his likes and dislikes, but how does he when hasn’t experienced everything his life has to offer yet…… Don’t get me wrong I know some people are entirely happy just where they are and that’s good, others think there is nowhere to go and thats not so good. Then there are the people like me who think and seek to explore, experience, learn and want to grow everyday, thinking this is life’s way of moving us forward even if its an inch at a time and it’s not till our end we can say we truly know as much as we can about ourselves but even then not everyone is self aware. And I think Its through building relationship in our life each day that counts (getting to know yourself helps) and perhaps understanding that life is the ultimate ROAD TRIP, so we should make sure we don’t miss the sights…..

Graduating in life….

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.
Robert Orben

Turning 50 last year changed very little, in fact it just legitimised some of the behaviours I couldn’t blame on being blonde, instead I got to put it down to age too.

I think the age thing didn’t matter to me, because unlike much older people in society I am still seen, by both my community and world. Because there comes a time when I will not be, old age tends to be seen as getting in the way, respect is hard earned and easily lost in a young persons world – if you don’t think so ask a pensioner.

For now I fend of that time by appreciating my life. And I am doing OK too, yesterday I graduated and got a MBA at Newcastle University, a old well respected university, full of history (including Martin L King!).

Not going to university never bothered me, other than I had fancied being a irresponsible student, so I never hankered over graduating, so here I was actually not looking forward to the ceremony. I felt too old for what I considered a experience meant for a younger person. But as I had been lucky enough to get a scholarship and I had enjoyed every minute of the two year course, including the moaning of assignment and deadlines, I was always going to be there, even it was just to say thank you and goodbye to some of the pretty awesome people I met along the way. From the course director who offered me the scholarship giving me a day to say yes! The good Lecturers, some very supportive (and some not so much), my very interesting mentor Peter Shaw who writes great spiritual leadership books and finally, but very importantly, my fabulous class mates. All younger than me, some by a year, most by 7/8yrs and more, but all clever, fun and generous people.

Sitting in the regal Kings Hall I glanced up and spotted a portrait of my Chairwoman Lady O watching over me (having recently resigned from being Chair of the Uni herself)this made me smile as I remembered how worried I was about who would come with me to this ceremony. Both my sons would be away, could I coax friends into sitting in a place which is usually occupied by proud parents? There were people I would love to have been there, including my own parents but couldn’t be, but I am blessed by having incredible friends and son number 2 is now back. So in the end I was wonderfully supported by Lady L and BB who made sure I got spoilt, and the New York Boys who sampled the free Cava several times a hour!!

The day turned out to be a graduation in more ways for me, not because I got the certificate (no t-shirts, which I think is a mistake in this modern world), or the chance to add 3 extra letters after my name but because I remembered what I had been taught about being a real person (the stuff you don’t get certificates for).
My parents were proud of me even without a degree, they knew that pride in others is for other things, such as treating people with respect and compassion, seeing needs and helping them fulfil them, making them feel special, showing you love them for who they are and not expecting them to change to suit you, knowing my own worth and ultimately being honest with myself and others even if at the time it hurts.

So as I appreciated the happy times of being with my classmates, the hours spent learning topics and sharing tales of their lives, their pitfall and triumphs, all different and hopeful, I vowed I would practice the things my first educators ( my mum and dad) taught me.

I know real education doesn’t begin and end in school, it starts when we first learn to breathe and ends when our body takes its last breath. What happens in between is the real education and it only works if we listen and apply what we think at the time is the right learning. Unfortunately with these lessons we can never be sure whether it’s a pass or fail, we just have to wait to get the final graduation. No guarantees, in fact the only thing for sure is that it will sometimes feel like a hard slog, and there will be scars gained to prove you were in attendance and that you tried your best even if your best wasn’t good enough…….

God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars.
Elbert Hubbard

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Free falling……

Ever wondered what life would be like if you just let go of everything that you worried about, wanted to be different or were in a hurry to achieve? This week Son Number 2 in NZ threw himself off a bridge and down a 150 foot drop, held only by a piece of strong elastic. Something my niece had been pushing him to try ever since he got there.

After seeing his photos and confirming he was still alive. I asked him what it was like and could I do it too.

He described how it took 10 minutes to book in, 7 questions on health and safety disclaimer and £60 to secure him his turn. I say secure as the booking girl makes it clear, you don’t get your money back if you don’t jump.

At the top he watched the young man booked before him be goaded by his family to jump. Only to see the young man give into his fear and not do it. Son Number 2 knows life is a bit like the booking girls warning, you don’t get it back if you choose to not live it. He also knows he needs a strategy to achieve what he needs to do. So he decided that he was not going to over think things, he prepared himself by ‘not looking down’ while he walked across the bridge, knowing that seeing how high it was would make him second guess himself. Then he stopped thinking altogether about what was going to happen in the next 30 seconds. Not thinking about how it would feel or what could happen to him, allowed him to just ‘go with it’. As he shuffled to the edge (his feet were tied together), the guy checked his harness once more and then he jumped! Hands and arms spread out wide, eyes fully open and he began to feel that free fall for the next 7 seconds before bouncing just above the canyon water.

When I asked him what did it feel like, he said during the free fall you couldn’t feel any part of your body, you were entirely weightless not like underwater as you can feel something around you in water. No totally weightless like your muscles were jelly. As soon as you get to the bottom of your piece of elastic your body immediately feels again.

He reckons there are two types of people that do this, those that are scared but do it to test themselves and others who are adrenalin hounds who go for the thrill. I think the fact he wants to do it again and work there puts him in the second group (maybe?). Although Son Number 2 is sensible he understands fear is a killer too, he knows that saying no too many times in life will mean he will not get to experience the best that it has to offer. And although things are scary there are big benefits to jumping off into something you have no idea what it will be like. Both my sons are doing that right now and I must admit to being very proud of them both.

I think Son Number 2’s approach to this jump was great. Not looking down and scaring yourself about an experience was a great tactic. When watching the guy before him being pressurised by others and bottling he didn’t think he would follow suit, he’s an individual with his own mind, he doesn’t have to follow a pack. When he got there he just went for it, his rationale being if it went wrong you only free fall and the elastic would only break when it pulled taut at a few metres above the river, then he would have the water to break his fall. Yes he is not a mindless adrenalin hound he has thought through, the risks, how to overcome his fear in the pursuit of feeling something in life he might never get if he bottled like the first guy.

And what about those 7 seconds of free fall? Is that what giving up worrying, striving, fearing in day to day life could be like? I wonder? Feeling weightless, not held down. As mostly in life you have no control, what will happen ultimately is not within your gift, things change, people leave, we all get older etc etc – there is little but our attitude to ‘change’ that we can control. I remember reading an article about the failed suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge. The reports about the survivors (ie those who failed to kill themselves) where it talked about how they asked the question “what did you think after you jumped”, all of them said that although they had major worries which led to them going up on the bridge with the intention of killing themselves in the first place, that once they had jumped off the bridge, the ONLY worry they then realised they had, was that they had just jumped off that bridge to what they expected was their own end.

So perhaps you gain a perspective you can’t get with both your feet on the ground. I am thinking that 7 seconds of free falling at least daily is a good habit to form, it could just save my life.

My son is booking me up for the jump in November, I may get to experience my own 7 seconds of free fall, so I intend to practice everyday to be ready for it………

“You do know Sir Henry not everyone sees Pixies?………”

Today I got the offer of learning in a new environment with people I didn’t know very much and at no cost – I jumped at it!!! As I have got older I have noticed that many people believe learning stops when they leave school or college and some people decided thinking isn’t for them either. I can’t say that’s me because I want to learn and experience as much as I can and I cant stop thinking !!! I must admit that as I have aged, I like to pretend I know lots of stuff, I say pretend because most people who know me, can always tell I have just read a book on some new and interesting topic, I feel is crucial to life itself, which has opened my world. Then if anyone lets me I will summarise it for them in my own words, probably in 20 mins, in the hope they can feel equally balled over by the revelations I have just unearthed. And yes I often see the eyes of my friends circle cloud over but they love me, so bear with me (don’t you love these people).

Lucky for me today I have a days holiday so could take part in a team dynamic session (in one of my Business Partners company – thank you GH ) given by Sir Henry Boyle, who apart from being a Liberal MP, (who according to a 2012 Liberal Party newsletter slammed the government for failing the country- I like him already) is a energetic, intelligent, humorous and rather eccentric training consultant. Arriving in a suit and bow tie with a rather more than a passing resemblance to the late Micheal Winner (he does a mean impersonation of him too) he took us through several training exercises. He used these exercises to explore our strengths and communications styles. What is good about these sessions is apart from exposing our strengths it highlights those negative parts of our styles that we have to acknowledge and work to improve if we are going to get better in both our careers and lives – painful but necessary.

This is my second day of piggy backing on learning events, yesterday was the University Business School. Where apart from encouraging us to become deviants to kick start creativity in the work place, we were exposed to the notion of changing our words if we wanted to make a difference. This was demonstrated by watching a short YouTube of a beggar with a sign saying ” I am blind please help”, it showed how most people walked past him, but when a lady stopped and wrote something and changed his sign, people then started almost throwing money at him. The lady who had said nothing leaving after altering the sign, then returned later. The beggar feeling her shoes recognised her and said “what did you do to my sign?” The woman says “I said the same thing as you but with different words”. In fact she wrote “it’s a beautiful day and I can’t see it“. Although it was sad, it really struck home that words matter and if we want to get a message to someone, we need to consider the words we use. On both days the speakers used the words that hit home for most of us, honest, clear and with a big dose of humanity.

As both days go, Sir Henry took my heart, he smiled and made fun of himself and life in general, he did it with a zest few people do these days let alone a politician. one story he told us was of the Priscilla the President of the Pixies, who lives in his garden. Each morning when he goes to feed the birds, she is there saying “Good Morning Henry”, (she is obviously on personal terms as she doesn’t use his title (Sir)) then again she is a president herself. He was a lovely man but felt I needed to be honest with him and had to say something about Priscilla to him, so gently breaking it to him, I said “you know Sir Henry, not everyone sees Pixies”. He smiled at me and said almost incredulously ” really?” “yes I said, you are very lucky, I can only see Elves and some people don’t see anyone else but themselves” . Yes I loved his story about Priscilla maybe it’s because I am still a little girl inside or maybe it was because he used words that got the message to me, in my language that’s magic, maybe Pixie magic……

YouTube clip was called ” Change the words change the world”.

No. 10 Inevitability Road

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine came to talk to the Team. He promised his talk would give us the motivation we had been lacking in the last year. On the day, he spoke to us about realigning ourselves with the missions we have in both company and ourselves. As expected everybody got something from his funny and energetic presentation. His credibility with the team might have been helped by his personal story Peter Rea was a millionaire at 24, only to lose it all by 30. And his updated story is of making a million yet again in his 40s. He spoke of the principals he lives by, how he never gives up, always looking for a way around obstacles. Yes he is an entrepreneur through and through and he is a good bloke to boot.

Having known him for a while and trained with him on SUMO, I know there is more to him than his story. I like his honesty and compassion, he never fails to tell me the truth, if I dare to ask for it on any topic relating to business or personal. I do this for him in return which works for us both.

However it’s his take on the road to inevitability that interested me at our event. He said when you take decisions and set yourself off on a road that has got the hallmarks of “not very good” on it. Or you go into something ‘half hearted’ (not that he ever would) it’s inevitable that it will be rubbish. JC Maxwell said ” it’s our decisions not the conditions that determine the quality of our life” meaning taking good decisions gives success a fighting chance ie the inevitability road is a good one.

These roads can be either positive or negative, its mostly results of your own making. Such as going the extra mile which Peter does and teaches in his talks as he says “reaps its own rewards over time”. “This makes the difference” he said in his book ‘One Life One Shot’ which he wrote after a promise to his dad. He says he was told early in his career by a rich man ” if you want more than most people you have to be willing to do more than most people”. Thats the difference between success or failure. The Bible puts it another way “to he who much is given much will be expected” (Luke 12:48). Peter believes on putting the work in to get the return.

As he spoke I understood that these ‘inevitable roads’ are all over your life, everywhere both good and bad. In work projects, new collaborations and relationships. I can see people not really engaged on projects who are only filling space, while others are making sure they are informed and producing work of the highest standard no matter how small a task as the quote (unknown source – maybe it was John Wooden) said “Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.

I see people investing in relationships (friendships too) going that extra mile by looking at the needs of others and making sure if they have the means they fulfil those needs or supporting them to get what they need. While others make no investment – and we know the inevitable will happen.

But Inevitability is only when things remain the same surely? Change your course, attitude or effort will make a difference and change that inevitable course from bad to good outcomes (and reverse).

Knowing what to change is the crux as I try to understand which things can be changed, (although I get it wrong more than right it feels like) I try to leave those I can’t to God, everything else I know I have a chance to influence, everybody does. Yet so many times we opt to choose the inevitable or at least, we say in our defence it chooses us and accept the loss all to readily.

I reckon, if I had some of Peters honesty and determination as in his ‘never give up’ spirit, get my decisions right from good foundations, I would do a lot better in my life and work missions.

Maybe then those roads to inevitability will all be good roads and well worth the travel we have made to get there …….

The Big Bang Theory….

Recently I have got right back in to my personal growth by listening to learning programmes and sermons, all good stuff you understand, however it is a weak attempt of me trying to avoid writing my dissertation which is due very very soon. That said the learning is good and it makes me put into context the things that are mulling around in my struggling little cranium.

Today my thoughts have been filled with how to encourage people to learn and be creative. Conversations yesterday with a new colleague led us to seek out new behaviours such as ‘questioning’, which is odd, because I have been accused of asking too many questions in my career! Well my undercover detective experience had to start from somewhere I muse.

I have tried with colleagues recently to foster this trait in our work life, as I know that the biggest competency that employers will be looking for in the future will be creativity (and is now really). Understanding there is nothing we need to buy that we don’t already own (material goods that is) means that Apple create a phone that talks to you, when we always thought it was a medium for us to talk to other people. Marketers need now to establish a new way of looking at something and making you want it, additionally in a world that has as much information on Web, Twitter, Facebook etc we struggle to know what to believe or understand.

So in the pursuit of trying to make both my home and work life better, I found a really good lesson from Linda Kaplan Thaler a very successful marketing executive in the USA. She is also a very funny woman starting her career off in stand up comedy – what other way!

Her take on creativity was not focussed on the questioning as much but rather on those moments of “Big Bang Theory” when something just fits and blows all other ideas out of the park and gives you moments of sheer joy and success. It’s based on great ideas are almost always someone else’s bad idea that has been turned upside down. She also says its like comedy ‘Impro’ – where you don’t think much (suits me) but you listen (doesn’t suit me) and you are not allowed to say NO (now you are talking). The word “No” is a deflator, so just like the “No – but” (negative talking) should be replaced by the “Yes – and” creative conversation aids creativity. However she says that while BUT hinders creativity, it is always what comes after the word “but” that gives you the information you need in life. Eg Dr I love my husband he is a sweet and considerate man BUT he is having an affair!!!!! Yes the real information comes after the word ‘But’.

No longer, she says is “thinking out of the box” appropriate, we are way past that, especially when you think of “Tummytising” where a woman made sheds loads of money from advertising a bank on her pregnant tummy! Instead she says you have to be incredibly disruptive in your thinking – understanding that you need 100’s if not 1000’s of ideas before one will really stick. The wisdom for me on all of this, was she says “the riskiest thing you can do is NOT take a risk”.

Now is she just talking about advertising? Probably, but does it just apply to work life? I know it doesn’t, all the personal growth books, church sermons, coaching and mentors will say the sweetest fruit is out on the limb, in other words you got to go out on that shaky limb to find it!!!!

Last year my oldest son set off to work in Thailand after never going anywhere on his own before and he survived to tell the tale, so much so that he is making plans for Taiwan, China etc. My youngest is getting ready to head off to New Zealand to find work and adventure. Now what has both my sons got in common? Yes they both want to run away from Mother, (I know you are thinking that). Well there may be a little truth in that, I do think I have influenced their need to leave, especially as I have been asking them since they could talk “when are you moving out!!!” But I really hope, if apart from financing these adventure (which I hope to recoup back when I retire and live in with them – seems obvious now why they are moving very far away doesn’t it!) I hope I have encouraged that bit of questioning, quest for disruption, that will lead them to create a life that has opportunities, even if the risk is a little higher than they (and me) would like at times.

One of the things I know is you can never relive your life over, and you have to remember (as Maxwell says) “that the decisions you make, in the end make you” so apart from praying for their safe journeys, I will ask that they find moments akin to the Big Bang Theory in their lives, the more the merrier please………

95% of who you are….

I heard today of research from Stanford University that says 95% of the person you are is based on the 5 closest people you have in your life. This struck me as it was a similar to a conversation with Lady GD on the drive home from our not so chill, chill fest with the 4 by 4 gang.

I confessed that the only people I have in my life, I choose because they bring something of value to it. We both agreed that everyone has something interesting about them for a conversation or two but, the people who you do life with have to be Value Givers. These are the people you are going learn from, copy, take advice from as they show you how they deal with life, especially when they have characteristics and gifts you don’t have.

They are also the ones who carry the buckets of water (which recently we saw at close range with Lady J’s rescue in the lantern episode). You know, when your life has just got out of hand and you need someone to come alongside and lend a hand to put out the flames of disaster or a looming one (or even a perceived disaster -us girls like to worry).

At other times they carry buckets of petrol to help ignite those areas of potential flames to help you grow and develop to your full potential (in whatever you need to do). Those nearest, listen and encourage and often steady us without even knowing. But without a shadow of a doubt they influence and help create us long term.

This seemed obvious as when a parent, you look at that kid, your child likes to hang out with, who you know is going to drag your kid into things you don’t want him to be in. Or that boy your daughter brings home, who you just know is a Player and apart from breaking her heart he is going to make her self conscious about how she looks. No we know this, Stanford University just confirms it academically.

Lady GD and I know this as we talk about out Value Givers and give thanks that they are part of our life, GD perhaps is grateful that she hasn’t started too many fires around them with birthday candles or lanterns….. and me…… Well perhaps that I haven’t scared them off with my games, photos, blogging and wild thoughts about living every day…..after all my friends have to admit we are more the same than different but it’s the difference that makes me love them……