Everyday…….

This week I have been thinking about the ‘Law of Intentionality’. Teaching on personal development makes the point to grow you need to be intentional about it. Despite the popular myth, wisdom does not come with age, sometimes age just comes alone! I know a few people who are older but they certainly are no wiser, having never learnt anything from anyone for a long time and not learning by their past in particular their failures (I certainly can say there are places in my life I haven’t quite learnt the lessons as well as I should have). For personal growth you got to make sure that you invest (internationally) in growing yourself EVERYDAY or it is just not going to happen.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book ‘Outliers’ makes the point that successful people practice their sport, craft, talent at least 10,000 +hours before they become good at it. What’s is he saying, it’s an EVERYDAY commitment. You never hear a successful coach say, don’t bother today, let the other athletes practice, you will not need it, Nope – you got to commit to practice, just ask a successful person they will reinforce this message. Maxwell talks about this too using his “Rule of 5”. He explains if you had a big tree to cut down by yourself, if you take an axe and each day hit it 5 times, it is not a matter of IF it will fall but one of WHEN will it fall. EVERYDAY effort pays off and if I had wrote a little bit of my dissertation everyday, would I be stressing like I am today? – Nope!

‘EVERYDAY Intentionality’ works in relationship too, this week my lovely friends Lady Y and Sir G have celebrated their 25th Wedding Anniversary. This is a couple who know that to have a great relationship you need to invest EVERYDAY not just weekends, special occasions, Christmas or holiday – Nope – EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY they make sure they ‘show’ and ‘tell’ each other how much they love one another. I say ‘show’ as well as ‘tell’ as they make sure that they watch for those little signs (that people who are really intentional about loving each other) that say “I need you to be there for me”, “help me”, “encourage me”, “make me laugh”,”hug me”, “I will always be there for you” and “always love me”. They never take one day for granted or each other for that matter. These people are not mushy or do things like wear embarrassing matching tops (don’t take offence if you do, some couples can carry it off -not many, but some) no in fact they are precious to be around, they also hold a degree level in encouraging others too. I have benefited from encouragement from both of them for years, so can vouch for its quality!

This amazing couple have shared everything EVERYDAY, and Sir G is up front in saying if he had a choice he would spend every minute with His Lady, and she would always say you have to treat the closest to you the best. They are great ambassadors for a great relationship. Are they unique? Well they are special and they fit the blue print I have for relationship. My Mum and Dad had the same approach, having known each other since being 14 and marrying at 25 (just after the war) EVERYDAY my Dad told my Mum he loved her, he had a ritual. He was open when talking about how much he loved her to us, using as example if ever he had faced that horrendous choice when a man would be asked “we can only save your wife or your new born child, what should we do?” Without hesitation my Dad would say “My Wife”. Dad was a loving man and he loved his kids but knew that his wife was the one person he could never replace, and when he did lose her in theirs 50s, he never did, but he missed her EVERYDAY.

Relationships whether love or business are needs based, we have to fill something in another person but we have to look for those needs and want to fulfil them intentionally (if we can) “it just doesn’t happen by its self people”, I only wish it did, as I am lazy, even if I have the blueprint. In business or life I have always been taught to “touch the heart before I ask for the hand” and “give it first, don’t be expecting it back soon or for free”. This I understand is people like to hear your heart on topics it’s what really touches them that encourages them to help you, but it only works if what you are asking them for is not for personal gain.

So is what I am doing EVERYDAY growing me? I know I have my life list of things I do EVERYDAY. And I am intentional about adding value to others EVERYDAY and with a little bit of help (and some days a bigger bit) EVERYDAY I hope I am……

“You do know Sir Henry not everyone sees Pixies?………”

Today I got the offer of learning in a new environment with people I didn’t know very much and at no cost – I jumped at it!!! As I have got older I have noticed that many people believe learning stops when they leave school or college and some people decided thinking isn’t for them either. I can’t say that’s me because I want to learn and experience as much as I can and I cant stop thinking !!! I must admit that as I have aged, I like to pretend I know lots of stuff, I say pretend because most people who know me, can always tell I have just read a book on some new and interesting topic, I feel is crucial to life itself, which has opened my world. Then if anyone lets me I will summarise it for them in my own words, probably in 20 mins, in the hope they can feel equally balled over by the revelations I have just unearthed. And yes I often see the eyes of my friends circle cloud over but they love me, so bear with me (don’t you love these people).

Lucky for me today I have a days holiday so could take part in a team dynamic session (in one of my Business Partners company – thank you GH ) given by Sir Henry Boyle, who apart from being a Liberal MP, (who according to a 2012 Liberal Party newsletter slammed the government for failing the country- I like him already) is a energetic, intelligent, humorous and rather eccentric training consultant. Arriving in a suit and bow tie with a rather more than a passing resemblance to the late Micheal Winner (he does a mean impersonation of him too) he took us through several training exercises. He used these exercises to explore our strengths and communications styles. What is good about these sessions is apart from exposing our strengths it highlights those negative parts of our styles that we have to acknowledge and work to improve if we are going to get better in both our careers and lives – painful but necessary.

This is my second day of piggy backing on learning events, yesterday was the University Business School. Where apart from encouraging us to become deviants to kick start creativity in the work place, we were exposed to the notion of changing our words if we wanted to make a difference. This was demonstrated by watching a short YouTube of a beggar with a sign saying ” I am blind please help”, it showed how most people walked past him, but when a lady stopped and wrote something and changed his sign, people then started almost throwing money at him. The lady who had said nothing leaving after altering the sign, then returned later. The beggar feeling her shoes recognised her and said “what did you do to my sign?” The woman says “I said the same thing as you but with different words”. In fact she wrote “it’s a beautiful day and I can’t see it“. Although it was sad, it really struck home that words matter and if we want to get a message to someone, we need to consider the words we use. On both days the speakers used the words that hit home for most of us, honest, clear and with a big dose of humanity.

As both days go, Sir Henry took my heart, he smiled and made fun of himself and life in general, he did it with a zest few people do these days let alone a politician. one story he told us was of the Priscilla the President of the Pixies, who lives in his garden. Each morning when he goes to feed the birds, she is there saying “Good Morning Henry”, (she is obviously on personal terms as she doesn’t use his title (Sir)) then again she is a president herself. He was a lovely man but felt I needed to be honest with him and had to say something about Priscilla to him, so gently breaking it to him, I said “you know Sir Henry, not everyone sees Pixies”. He smiled at me and said almost incredulously ” really?” “yes I said, you are very lucky, I can only see Elves and some people don’t see anyone else but themselves” . Yes I loved his story about Priscilla maybe it’s because I am still a little girl inside or maybe it was because he used words that got the message to me, in my language that’s magic, maybe Pixie magic……

YouTube clip was called ” Change the words change the world”.

No. 10 Inevitability Road

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine came to talk to the Team. He promised his talk would give us the motivation we had been lacking in the last year. On the day, he spoke to us about realigning ourselves with the missions we have in both company and ourselves. As expected everybody got something from his funny and energetic presentation. His credibility with the team might have been helped by his personal story Peter Rea was a millionaire at 24, only to lose it all by 30. And his updated story is of making a million yet again in his 40s. He spoke of the principals he lives by, how he never gives up, always looking for a way around obstacles. Yes he is an entrepreneur through and through and he is a good bloke to boot.

Having known him for a while and trained with him on SUMO, I know there is more to him than his story. I like his honesty and compassion, he never fails to tell me the truth, if I dare to ask for it on any topic relating to business or personal. I do this for him in return which works for us both.

However it’s his take on the road to inevitability that interested me at our event. He said when you take decisions and set yourself off on a road that has got the hallmarks of “not very good” on it. Or you go into something ‘half hearted’ (not that he ever would) it’s inevitable that it will be rubbish. JC Maxwell said ” it’s our decisions not the conditions that determine the quality of our life” meaning taking good decisions gives success a fighting chance ie the inevitability road is a good one.

These roads can be either positive or negative, its mostly results of your own making. Such as going the extra mile which Peter does and teaches in his talks as he says “reaps its own rewards over time”. “This makes the difference” he said in his book ‘One Life One Shot’ which he wrote after a promise to his dad. He says he was told early in his career by a rich man ” if you want more than most people you have to be willing to do more than most people”. Thats the difference between success or failure. The Bible puts it another way “to he who much is given much will be expected” (Luke 12:48). Peter believes on putting the work in to get the return.

As he spoke I understood that these ‘inevitable roads’ are all over your life, everywhere both good and bad. In work projects, new collaborations and relationships. I can see people not really engaged on projects who are only filling space, while others are making sure they are informed and producing work of the highest standard no matter how small a task as the quote (unknown source – maybe it was John Wooden) said “Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.

I see people investing in relationships (friendships too) going that extra mile by looking at the needs of others and making sure if they have the means they fulfil those needs or supporting them to get what they need. While others make no investment – and we know the inevitable will happen.

But Inevitability is only when things remain the same surely? Change your course, attitude or effort will make a difference and change that inevitable course from bad to good outcomes (and reverse).

Knowing what to change is the crux as I try to understand which things can be changed, (although I get it wrong more than right it feels like) I try to leave those I can’t to God, everything else I know I have a chance to influence, everybody does. Yet so many times we opt to choose the inevitable or at least, we say in our defence it chooses us and accept the loss all to readily.

I reckon, if I had some of Peters honesty and determination as in his ‘never give up’ spirit, get my decisions right from good foundations, I would do a lot better in my life and work missions.

Maybe then those roads to inevitability will all be good roads and well worth the travel we have made to get there …….

The Big Bang Theory….

Recently I have got right back in to my personal growth by listening to learning programmes and sermons, all good stuff you understand, however it is a weak attempt of me trying to avoid writing my dissertation which is due very very soon. That said the learning is good and it makes me put into context the things that are mulling around in my struggling little cranium.

Today my thoughts have been filled with how to encourage people to learn and be creative. Conversations yesterday with a new colleague led us to seek out new behaviours such as ‘questioning’, which is odd, because I have been accused of asking too many questions in my career! Well my undercover detective experience had to start from somewhere I muse.

I have tried with colleagues recently to foster this trait in our work life, as I know that the biggest competency that employers will be looking for in the future will be creativity (and is now really). Understanding there is nothing we need to buy that we don’t already own (material goods that is) means that Apple create a phone that talks to you, when we always thought it was a medium for us to talk to other people. Marketers need now to establish a new way of looking at something and making you want it, additionally in a world that has as much information on Web, Twitter, Facebook etc we struggle to know what to believe or understand.

So in the pursuit of trying to make both my home and work life better, I found a really good lesson from Linda Kaplan Thaler a very successful marketing executive in the USA. She is also a very funny woman starting her career off in stand up comedy – what other way!

Her take on creativity was not focussed on the questioning as much but rather on those moments of “Big Bang Theory” when something just fits and blows all other ideas out of the park and gives you moments of sheer joy and success. It’s based on great ideas are almost always someone else’s bad idea that has been turned upside down. She also says its like comedy ‘Impro’ – where you don’t think much (suits me) but you listen (doesn’t suit me) and you are not allowed to say NO (now you are talking). The word “No” is a deflator, so just like the “No – but” (negative talking) should be replaced by the “Yes – and” creative conversation aids creativity. However she says that while BUT hinders creativity, it is always what comes after the word “but” that gives you the information you need in life. Eg Dr I love my husband he is a sweet and considerate man BUT he is having an affair!!!!! Yes the real information comes after the word ‘But’.

No longer, she says is “thinking out of the box” appropriate, we are way past that, especially when you think of “Tummytising” where a woman made sheds loads of money from advertising a bank on her pregnant tummy! Instead she says you have to be incredibly disruptive in your thinking – understanding that you need 100’s if not 1000’s of ideas before one will really stick. The wisdom for me on all of this, was she says “the riskiest thing you can do is NOT take a risk”.

Now is she just talking about advertising? Probably, but does it just apply to work life? I know it doesn’t, all the personal growth books, church sermons, coaching and mentors will say the sweetest fruit is out on the limb, in other words you got to go out on that shaky limb to find it!!!!

Last year my oldest son set off to work in Thailand after never going anywhere on his own before and he survived to tell the tale, so much so that he is making plans for Taiwan, China etc. My youngest is getting ready to head off to New Zealand to find work and adventure. Now what has both my sons got in common? Yes they both want to run away from Mother, (I know you are thinking that). Well there may be a little truth in that, I do think I have influenced their need to leave, especially as I have been asking them since they could talk “when are you moving out!!!” But I really hope, if apart from financing these adventure (which I hope to recoup back when I retire and live in with them – seems obvious now why they are moving very far away doesn’t it!) I hope I have encouraged that bit of questioning, quest for disruption, that will lead them to create a life that has opportunities, even if the risk is a little higher than they (and me) would like at times.

One of the things I know is you can never relive your life over, and you have to remember (as Maxwell says) “that the decisions you make, in the end make you” so apart from praying for their safe journeys, I will ask that they find moments akin to the Big Bang Theory in their lives, the more the merrier please………

95% of who you are….

I heard today of research from Stanford University that says 95% of the person you are is based on the 5 closest people you have in your life. This struck me as it was a similar to a conversation with Lady GD on the drive home from our not so chill, chill fest with the 4 by 4 gang.

I confessed that the only people I have in my life, I choose because they bring something of value to it. We both agreed that everyone has something interesting about them for a conversation or two but, the people who you do life with have to be Value Givers. These are the people you are going learn from, copy, take advice from as they show you how they deal with life, especially when they have characteristics and gifts you don’t have.

They are also the ones who carry the buckets of water (which recently we saw at close range with Lady J’s rescue in the lantern episode). You know, when your life has just got out of hand and you need someone to come alongside and lend a hand to put out the flames of disaster or a looming one (or even a perceived disaster -us girls like to worry).

At other times they carry buckets of petrol to help ignite those areas of potential flames to help you grow and develop to your full potential (in whatever you need to do). Those nearest, listen and encourage and often steady us without even knowing. But without a shadow of a doubt they influence and help create us long term.

This seemed obvious as when a parent, you look at that kid, your child likes to hang out with, who you know is going to drag your kid into things you don’t want him to be in. Or that boy your daughter brings home, who you just know is a Player and apart from breaking her heart he is going to make her self conscious about how she looks. No we know this, Stanford University just confirms it academically.

Lady GD and I know this as we talk about out Value Givers and give thanks that they are part of our life, GD perhaps is grateful that she hasn’t started too many fires around them with birthday candles or lanterns….. and me…… Well perhaps that I haven’t scared them off with my games, photos, blogging and wild thoughts about living every day…..after all my friends have to admit we are more the same than different but it’s the difference that makes me love them……